What it Means to Not Have a “Tribe”

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I see my lady friends on Facebook and Instagram posting pictures of their nights out with their “tribe” either having dinner or doing paint nights and honestly sometimes I do get a little jealous. I used to have a “tribe”, a somewhat big group of female friends that I would talk to almost daily, go out with, have a few drinks with, complain with, etc. However, as the years have passed and we’ve all grown a bit those moments have become few and far between.

At 35 years old I’ve found myself without a “tribe”. I no longer have a group of friends that I divulge all my inner most secrets to. In fact there isn’t one person I talk to on a daily basis anymore. There are few close friends that I talk to occasionally but definitely not daily and most of the reasons are because we are all busy.  Almost all of us have day jobs, kids, husbands or boyfriends, and our free time has become slim to none.

I can honestly say for myself that I’ve learned (rather late I might add) what is most important in my life and that’s where I put my focus. I used to want to go out every other Friday just to get away but now realize that wasn’t the answer and after a lot of changes my daily life isn’t something I want to run away from anymore. I cherish my time with my husband and kids and honestly would rather be home with them than out on the town.

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People ask, “Who do you complain about your husband to?” My answer, “No one.” And no it’s not because my husband doesn’t get on my nerves or tick me off because believe me we have our moments but those are few and far between and last maybe 20 minutes and it’s over. I don’t have a reason to bitch about it to my friends nor do I want to. I’ve discovered the hard way that when I would bitch about my husband those were the moments my friends remembered the most, not all the good things he did for me but the bad moments and that’s not what I want those to think about when I mention my husband. Plus, when you talk about the negative things they tend to stick with you. By letting it go and focusing on the good things it makes me happier. I don’t need feedback from those who just want to add to the negative talk and in their defense most feel like they are being supportive by chiming in and agreeing but really it does more harm than good. So no, I don’t feel the need to spat my issues to those somewhat close to me anymore.

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Do I get lonely? Sure. Especially when my husband is texting with his friends multiple times a day. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have that but the person I most want to talk to is usually sitting right next to me.

And honestly it’s not my friends fault that we’ve grown apart. I could reach out just as easily as they can it’s just the fact that most of us have gone our own ways, have our own things going on, and are slammed busy with jobs and kids and relationships. My kids tend to be a little older than my friends because I started pretty early so not many of my mom friends can relate to my teenager issues. My friends and I also tend to have different interests these days so it’s hard to share. It sucks but alas it is what it is.

What I’ve learned though is how to deal with things on my own. Husband driving me crazy? I go into the next room and do something else. Teens driving me bonkers? Vent to my husband or drink a glass of wine and watch my favorite show or both. Before my first instinct would be to run to one of my friends and spew profanities and bitch and honestly that never made me feel better. Now my first instinct is to either talk it through with my husband or talk through it myself and chill.

I’ve also discovered an awesome mom group on Facebook that does help when I need some mom advice or just need to vent. They are supportive and understanding because they deal with it on the daily too. And hey most of them drink wine too! Score!

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I do miss having my close-set of friends but I realize what’s more important. When I do reach out it’s just to say hi or we try to catch up over a cup of coffee but my life doesn’t revolve around it anymore and that’s how it should be.

Thanks for reading!

Hugs,

Amber

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